You can call me selfish.

Right now, there are a lot of pregnant people in my life.

My cousin: She’s a year younger than me, we grew up together and we’re like sisters. She was the maid of honor in my wedding, I was the matron of honor in hers. She’s due in February, having a little girl. When I got pregnant back in July, we were both so excited because we thought our babies would only be a month apart. Yeah, that didn’t happen.

My cousin’s wife: She’s the sister-in-law of the cousin I just described above. It was not a planned pregnancy. In fact, neither one is all that thrilled about it, but as time goes on they seem happier. They weren’t married when she got pregnant. They got married a month later because she needed health insurance coverage.

My great friend: I was in her wedding in October. She’s 34, so she and her husband wanted to get started trying for a baby right away. When she asked me to be in her wedding, she said she hoped we’d be pregnant together.  When she told me she was pregnant, I was pregnant too. Then a week later, I wasn’t anymore. Turns out we had the same due date.

And the thing is, I really am truly happy for all of them. I AM. I can’t wait to hold baby Olivia (my cousin’s baby) and find out what my cousin’s wife is having and be there for my friend when she has a million questions about being pregnant.

But that doesn’t mean it doesn’t still hurt.

My mom threw a wedding shower yesterday for my cousin’s wife. I was doing fine, everything was great, and then the talk turned to baby baby baby. Baby names, baby bedding, due dates, having a boy or a girl. And then my aunt brought out two heaping bags full of baby gifts for my cousin and for my cousin’s wife.

And I just. I lost it. I had to excuse myself before I burst into tears in front of everyone. I rushed upstairs and shut myself in the bathroom and cried. I composed myself, but it was obvious to anyone who knew my situation that I had been crying.

My mom called me today to ask me to please try to be happy for my cousin and my cousin’s wife. And I AM happy for them. They know I am. I’m throwing my cousin a shower on Sunday and of COURSE I’m excited for her. I would never, ever take that away from her. It’s not her fault that I’m going through this.

Maybe I’m selfish for being sad, I don’t know.

But I swear, if one more person in my family or in my group of friends announces that they’re pregnant, I might stab my eyes out with a fork.

Don’t.

 

Things I Don’t Want You To Say To Me When You Found Out I’m Having (Another) Miscarriage:

  • It’s for the best. Something was wrong, this was your body’s way of telling you.
  • It will happen when it’s meant to happen.
  • It’s a blessing in disguise.
  • You’ll get over it.
  • It wasn’t really a baby yet, anyway.
  • At least you weren’t further along, that’s a good thing.
  • Are you sure you were really pregnant?
  • Just be thankful for what you already have.
  • Some people have it worse than you, they can’t even get pregnant.

Please, please don’t expect me to just “get over it.” Don’t expect me to ever want to try again, no matter how much you try to convince me that “God has a plan.” Don’t ask me why I’m crying, don’t ask me why I’m in a bad mood. Don’t tell me to keep my head up, don’t tell me that everything will be ok.

Just don’t.

The End.

When the nurse called me yesterday to tell me that my hcg had dropped to 25, I was prepared. I knew there wasn’t any hope left, not now.

She spoke in a comforting voice, asked if there was anything she could do for me. No, nothing, thank you.

Then she told me that if, while bleeding, I “passed” anything, I should be sure to save it and bring it in to my lab appointment on Friday so they could do genetic testing and try to determine what caused the miscarriage.

Um, no thank you. I am not up for sifting through a pool of blood for the remains of my would-have-been son or daughter.

Besides, it doesn’t matter why it happened.

It’s not going to happen again. It can’t happen again, because we’re not trying again.

I prayed for this baby. I prayed, so, so hard and I had so many other people praying with me. And still, STILL, I miscarried.

They say God has a plan for everyone. I personally think that’s a crock of shit, but if it’s true, then God’s plan for me does not include another baby.

Thanks, God, for choosing such a cruel fucking way to show me.

I am so incredibly grateful for my beautiful daughter. It breaks my heart that I won’t be able to give her a sibling.

But this is it. I can’t go through this again. I won’t.

Hanging on.

When I called the nurse line yesterday for my beta results, I was hopeful. I was shaking, but I was hopeful. Of course, I had to leave a message and wait for a call back, but it only took them 15 minutes to tell me what I really…didn’t want to hear.

34.

3  – freaking -4.

Not the pretty triple-digit number I was hoping for.  Not even close.

My reply: Wow. Well that’s not good.

Sue, my favorite nurse: Well, it’s low. But you could have your dates wrong, and remember that it’s still early.

Gee. Thanks. Super.

I cried. I’m not going to lie. But then I talked to my mom, and I did some Googling, and I decided to just take a deep breath and try, try, TRY to relax. (Believe me, this is WAY easier said than done.)

The “average” hcg level at 14DPO (which is when my first blood draw was) is 48. The “typical” range is 17 – 119. 34 fits nicely into that range.

I haven’t had any more spotting, no more bleeding, and last night I was so nauseous I really just wanted to cry.  And I was so, so happy about it.

I go in today for another blood draw. I don’t know if I’ll be able to wait until 9 am tomorrow morning, so I’m going to request (read: beg) that I get my results this afternoon. Based on my history, and on the stress this is causing me, I don’t think that’s too much to ask.

I’m still praying. I’m not giving up on this little one.

Playing the waiting game.

Still no more bleeding. No more spotting. No more cramps.

Had my blood drawn yesterday for my beta HCG. Will get the results this morning. Terrified.

The nurse told me that based on the amount of red bleeding I had (only about a quarter sized) and the fact that it hasn’t happened again (and it’s been over 48 hours now!) that it’s probably perfectly normal. She said, “You need to remember that in early pregnancy, spotting is common. It’s not always the sign of bad things to come.” She told me to hang in there, relax, and if it happens again, to call right away.

So far so good. Now, I wait until 9:00. Two hours to go.

Praying.

Since last night, I haven’t had any bleeding. Nothing overnight, nothing all day.

I tested again this morning and the line was still light, it hadn’t gotten any darker. It took a full 3 – 4 minutes for it to show up completely, so I wasn’t feeling very confident.

I decided to take another test tonight. Because I am crazy.

The line showed up within 30 seconds. And it’s dark. Darker, anyway, and thicker.

13DPO

Top test is from this morning. Bottom from half an hour ago.

Oh please please please let this be a good sign.

Dr. at 9:45 tomorrow. Praying.