You can call me selfish.

Right now, there are a lot of pregnant people in my life.

My cousin: She’s a year younger than me, we grew up together and we’re like sisters. She was the maid of honor in my wedding, I was the matron of honor in hers. She’s due in February, having a little girl. When I got pregnant back in July, we were both so excited because we thought our babies would only be a month apart. Yeah, that didn’t happen.

My cousin’s wife: She’s the sister-in-law of the cousin I just described above. It was not a planned pregnancy. In fact, neither one is all that thrilled about it, but as time goes on they seem happier. They weren’t married when she got pregnant. They got married a month later because she needed health insurance coverage.

My great friend: I was in her wedding in October. She’s 34, so she and her husband wanted to get started trying for a baby right away. When she asked me to be in her wedding, she said she hoped we’d be pregnant together.  When she told me she was pregnant, I was pregnant too. Then a week later, I wasn’t anymore. Turns out we had the same due date.

And the thing is, I really am truly happy for all of them. I AM. I can’t wait to hold baby Olivia (my cousin’s baby) and find out what my cousin’s wife is having and be there for my friend when she has a million questions about being pregnant.

But that doesn’t mean it doesn’t still hurt.

My mom threw a wedding shower yesterday for my cousin’s wife. I was doing fine, everything was great, and then the talk turned to baby baby baby. Baby names, baby bedding, due dates, having a boy or a girl. And then my aunt brought out two heaping bags full of baby gifts for my cousin and for my cousin’s wife.

And I just. I lost it. I had to excuse myself before I burst into tears in front of everyone. I rushed upstairs and shut myself in the bathroom and cried. I composed myself, but it was obvious to anyone who knew my situation that I had been crying.

My mom called me today to ask me to please try to be happy for my cousin and my cousin’s wife. And I AM happy for them. They know I am. I’m throwing my cousin a shower on Sunday and of COURSE I’m excited for her. I would never, ever take that away from her. It’s not her fault that I’m going through this.

Maybe I’m selfish for being sad, I don’t know.

But I swear, if one more person in my family or in my group of friends announces that they’re pregnant, I might stab my eyes out with a fork.

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2 thoughts on “You can call me selfish.

  1. Hi Amanda-

    I just came over from BBC to check on you and see how things are going. I am so, SO sorry to hear that you’re going through this again. My heart is breaking for you.

    Just wanted to let you know that I’ll be thinking of you.

    -mitsi

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