What if?

So, last night, I opened my bathroom vanity and sitting there, front and center, was my Prometrium prescription. Up until that point, I truly had not thought about being pregnant, getting pregnant, staying pregnant, or anything about pregnancy (save for the dream I had that I took a pregnancy test and it was positive, but weirdly so, with a really dark, loopy test line.) I thought back, and after remembering that Tim and I had “done it” on both Wednesday and Friday of this past week (without being careful whatsoever, as we both got caught up in the moment and weren’t even thinking about it), I started counting what cycle day I was on. CD20. Which means that I likely ovulated between last Wednesday and Saturday. Which means, though probably not likely, that it’s possible that I could be pregnant. Or, you know, that I will be. I had pretty bad cramps on Thursday and Friday, which is a sure sign that I’m going to ovulate, but for whatever reason, I just wasn’t even thinking about. Probably because I’m so jaded about the whole thing now.

I stood in the bathroom for a few minutes and stared the prescription bottle. Could it hurt to take it? I didn’t know. So I asked Tim. He, of course, was not very helpful. “I don’t know. I don’t want you to take any tests.” Well, yeah, no kidding, I don’t plan to. That wasn’t my question. “Well, I don’t know. If you want. Why don’t you ask your friends?” (Meaning my friends on Babycenter.)

I did, of course, and I got a resounding, “Yes, you should take it.” Mostly because of the “what if” factor. (Sidebar: The women I have met on BBC are absolutely incredible. Amazing. Couldn’t have gotten through all this BS without them. SO thankful for them.)  Thing is, it can’t HURT me to take it. It can only, maybe, help, if even just a little.

Oddly enough, I’m totally at ease right now. I don’t think I’m pregnant, and the thought of peeing on a stick makes me want to vomit. So, that’s a good thing I guess? So, I’m going to take it. Starting tonight. Because I really don’t want to hear that nagging voice in my head saying, “What if what if what if?”

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