5w1d. Holding on.

You’ll be happy to know that I did NOT take another pregnancy test today. I’m just going to let be what’s going to be.

I went over to my mom’s house yesterday to get my mind off of  everything. I needed to get out of my house and stop dwelling on the things that could go wrong. When I got there, she came up and put a pendant around my neck.  St. William, the patron saint of children. She told me that when I’m feeling scared, I should kiss the pendant and pray. It can’t hurt, right? It helps the the pendant was a gift to my mom from my cousin George, who’s dad, my uncle Bill, was the best man I’ve ever known. He died 6 or 7 years ago after complications from a car accident, and I really do miss him every day. If I have a boy, I want to name him William. (Oddly enough, Uncle Bill had to do Lovenox injections too. Somehow it’s comforting to me knowing that.)

I had myself pretty psyched up about the shot last night. I don’t know why, but I was more nervous than I had been the night before. Again, the needle didn’t hurt, but the Lovenox burned like crazy. It was not as easy as the one the night before had been. But I don’t have a bruise this morning, so I guess that’s saying something.

Sleep didn’t come easily last night. I was restless, and I had many disturbing dreams. The worst was the I woke up with blood everywhere. When I really did wake up, I told Tim I was afraid to go to the bathroom. Luckily, the dream wasn’t a reality and things are clear down there.

First HCG draw tomorrow. Trying not to panic.

ETA: Had a little bit of red spotting. Specks, really, nothing major. Freaking out, of course. I’m not ashamed to admit that I cried. So then, of course, I had Tim go get me a dollar tree test. It’s positive, but faintly so. (Although I will say that with the past 3 losses, I never once got a positive on the dollar tree. Maybe it’s a good sign?) Just praying at this point. Praying praying praying.

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8 thoughts on “5w1d. Holding on.

  1. Praying for you. Tomorrow is my first ultrasound and I have been thinking horrible things. It is just really hard to stay positive sometimes when things have gone so terribly before. I’m thinking of you and promise I will try to stay positive if you try too!!

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