I won’t lie. Even though I was spotting, even though the tests were getting lighter, even though all the signs pointed to the obvious, I was still hoping. Hoping that the nurse would call me today and tell me that my numbers were great. That the Lovenox was working. That things would be fine.
Then she called to tell me that my HCG was at 20.
5 weeks, 2 days pregnant.
She said they want me to come in on Wednesday again for another blood draw, and I was pretty snotty when I asked, “Why, what’s the point?” I didn’t mean to be rude to her. It’s not her fault my body doesn’t work.
I am just so broken right now. I can’t stop crying. I can’t stop asking “why”. I did everything they told me to do. But maybe it was too late. Maybe I was an idiot thinking my period had started and it’s my own fault this is happening. Maybe I could have saved it if I had known sooner.
What if. What if. What if.
I’m so sorry, to my tiny little babies that I let down, that my body betrayed, that I’ll never be able to bring into the world. I’m sorry to my beautiful daughter for losing sibling after sibling, for leaving her as an only child, something I never wanted for her.
This is the end of the line. This is all my heart can take.