Broken.

I won’t lie. Even though I was spotting, even though the tests were getting lighter, even though all the signs pointed to the obvious, I was still hoping. Hoping that the nurse would call me today and tell me that my numbers were great. That the Lovenox was working. That things would be fine.

Then she called to tell me that my HCG was at 20.

5 weeks, 2 days pregnant.

She said they want me to come in on Wednesday again for another blood draw, and I was pretty snotty when I asked, “Why, what’s the point?” I didn’t mean to be rude to her. It’s not her fault my body doesn’t work.

I am just so broken right now. I can’t stop crying. I can’t stop asking “why”. I did everything they told me to do. But maybe it was too late. Maybe I was an idiot thinking my period had started and it’s my own fault this is happening. Maybe I could have saved it if I had known sooner.

What if. What if. What if.

I’m so sorry, to my tiny little babies that I let down, that my body betrayed, that I’ll never be able to bring into the world. I’m sorry to my beautiful daughter for losing sibling after sibling, for leaving her as an only child, something I never wanted for her.

This is the end of the line. This is all my heart can take.

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7 thoughts on “Broken.

  1. We both know this isn’t the end of the line. I’ve seen your resilience; I’ve watched the videos of you playing with Maddie in the snow and I know you would go through hell to get to experience that again. You’re one tough woman, and you’ll get through this the way you’ve gotten through the others.

    it SUCKS. it sucks, it sucks, it SUCKS.

    …but this isn’t the end of the line. One way or another, you will hold a baby in your arms again. you WILL.

    I am so sorry for this latest loss.I hate it for you. Just hate it.

    • I hate it too. I do, and I just cannot imagine doing it again. I just don’t see ever being pregnant. This was supposed to be the one. The magic one that stuck, the one that would be helped along by fucking INJECTIONS to my belly. And still, STILL, it’s over. I just don’t understand. It’s just not fair.

  2. I just swore every word in the book for you. Damn it. I’m sorry. Life can really suck. No one deserves to go through this. The past few days have been a crazy roller coaster ride…and I’m sorry it had to end this way.

  3. I am so sorry, you’re right this just isn’t fair. You don’t deserve this and you didn’t do anything wrong.

    I can’t imagine the pain you are going through, I am so so sorry for your loss.

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