Crumbling.

Today, I am not doing very well.

Yesterday, I was ok. I was laughing with people at work, I was keeping busy, I got my hair chopped off in an effort to lift my spirits (the jury is still out on whether it worked or not. And while I was getting the cut, there were THREE PREGNANT WOMEN THERE. One working, two getting cuts. And one woman who was very loudly recalling the recent birth of her son. SHUT UP.)

Today, I am falling apart.  For one thing, these cramps are KILLING ME. Seriously, if I wasn’t sitting down, I’d be doubled over. OWWWWW.  And I really, really did not want to go to the OB’s office for my blood draw today. I don’t know why I had to. What was the point? It’s not like the numbers were going to miraculously quadruple or something. 

When the nurse called, I really lost it. “Hi Amanda, this is Sue from the doctor’s office.” Her voice was so…ugh. I don’t know know the word I’m looking for me. Like she was trying to prepare me for what I already knew. “We got your numbers back, and they dropped to 10.” Well, DUH. You don’t need to coddle me, I”m a big girl and I knew this was coming.

Then she said, “I made an appointment for you to sit down with Dr. A on March 15th at 11.” I was pretty taken aback. When I asked her why, she said, “So you can have all your questions answered.” I think I might have made an annoyed sound, and I KNOW that I rolled my eyes. I said, “I don’t have any questions, that won’t be necessary.” And then. THEN. She said, “Oh, honey.” And for some reason, something inside me snapped and I just wanted to strangle her through the phone.

She said that in the next few weeks I should call the clinic so I can go in for another blood draw, “just to be sure” that my hcg is below 2. Uh, yeah. No. I won’t be doing that. How pointless. Are they trying to torture me? Really? Nope. Not going to do it.

I’m trying my damndest not to cry. I really am. I’m at work, and I cannot DO THIS RIGHT NOW. Part of me just wants to go home, take some Advil PM, crawl under the covers, and sleep for the next 3 days. The other part wants to scream and cry and hit things and demand that someone give me a reason why this is happening to me.

And then there’s the guilt. Let me tell you about the guilt. Because at this point, I am blaming myself that this happened again. I didn’t know I was pregnant. Like an idiot, I thought I had my period. I went off the progsterone. I didn’t start the shots. I doomed my little one before I even had the chance to know I could save it.  It’s my fault.

And do you know what I really wish? I wish I never would have taken that fucking pregnancy test. I wish I would have just gone on like I had gotten my period, or like it hadn’t really come yet. I wouldn’t be going through this right now. I would be able to try again in two weeks without even knowing that this had happened again.

AGAIN.

Fuck. I just.

I hate this.

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10 thoughts on “Crumbling.

  1. I’m so sorry honey. Please try not to blame yourself you have tried so hard for these little ones it is not your fault. As always we are here for you if you need to talk, don’t worry about bringing the board down, sometimes you just need to get it out. Just know all our thoughts are with you. xx

  2. Hon, I know that we could “what if” ourselves to death here, but at the end of the day it doesn’t help us, and it never as our fault to begin with.

    We do what we think is right at the time. And I know that you have done everything in your power to help your little angels. Some things are unfortunately out of our hands.

    None of this is your fault. You are NOT a bad person who doesn’t deserve good things to happen to her. You are a good and decent person who has had bad things happen to her. It’s not fair how things have happend and you have a right to be mad.

    We are all here if you need to talk.

    • I know you’re right. It’s just so hard to get past this. I mean, these drugs, these injections, they were supposed to work, and they didn’t, and I’m just at such a loss.

      Thank you for being so supportive.

  3. I know it’s hard not to blame yourself, but really, it’s not your fault. Blame the stupid pee-sticks, mother nature, and karma for not being fair and working as it should. But don’t blame yourself. Oh, and don’t forget to blame that stupid bitch Aunt Flow.

    I’m sorry you are having a rough day. Hang in there. We are all thinking of you and hate to see you go through this!

  4. I have no words. I’m so sorry that you are going through all of this again. Part of me feels like it’s my fault because I told you about that stupid book and nudged you to keep going. I wish I could take some of the pain away from you. You are so strong and I know you will get through this. Know that you are in my thoughts.

    • Oh, no no no. Don’t even go there! I am GLAD you recommended that book. I’m glad I read it, I’m glad I tried again, even if it did end badly. I needed to read that, to know that there are other women out there who are going through this. To know that I’m not alone.

      Thank you so much for being so supportive. (And woman, I am SO FREAKING HAPPY for you. 🙂

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