Ok, WTF.

While eating lunch with Maddie, I noticed that I was having pretty bad cramps. I thought maybe they were digestive, but then I realized nope — bleeding. AF has returned. What the fuck, seriously. Gone for a whole day, I mean TOTALLY dry, and now back to medium? What is going on? Never had this happen before. Is Thursday still CD1? Is my body just a complete and total mess? Why, AF? WHY?

CD4: Reflection.

I read a lot of blogs. This whole infertility thing has really opened my eyes to a world of incredible, amazing women who have struggled much more than I have. I’ve laughed, I’ve cried, I’ve found people I relate to (and for that, I am so grateful. Don’t know what I would do without all of you!)

Sometimes, I come across a blog that really grabs me. That was the case when I found Bottoms Off and On The Table.  I’m certain that I’m not the only one here that frequents her blog, and I know I can’t be the only one who shed tears when her last attempt at IVF didn’t work out.

While I haven’t had to deal with nearly the things she has had to deal with, there have been many times when I’ve read one of her postings and found myself nodding my head in understanding. We may not be in the same situation, but the pain is the same. The confusion, the anger, the frustration. It’s all there — it is for all of us. None of us are alone in this battle.

And as I read one of her recent postings, one made after she found that the last IVF did not work (even after it looked quite promising in the beginning), I thought to myself just how lucky I really am.

Because I have my beautiful Madeline Rose. I hope that doesn’t make me sound selfish, like “ha ha look what I have”, because it really truly isn’t intended to come out that way. I just really feel blessed, knowing what I know now, that I have her. And that’s she’s perfect.

Even if I am not able to get and stay pregnant, I will still be a mother. And it breaks my heart that so many of the women out there, the ones who want so much to be a mother, won’t be able to (at least on their own). It’s just not fair.

CD3: Where did AF go?

When I was on the pill, my period came every 28 days like clockwork (obviously, because that’s how the pill works). It lasted four days, with one day of heavy flow and the rest pretty light. I honestly don’t even remember what my periods were like before the pill, but I don’t remember them being awful or anything, or ever lasting very long.

Now I never know what I’m going to get. It sucks. I had light flow Thursday morning, medium-ish Thursday evening. Light yesterday again. Nothing over night. Nothing this morning. No cramps anymore either. Could my period REALLY have been this short? I am so confused. I know I”m not pregnant, I freaked out when there wasn’t any blood this morning and I took another test. Negative. So where did AF go? Really only two days?

UGGGGGH. I need a menstrual cycle decoder.

Ok, maybe not.

For those following along, I have decided not to call today CD1. I had some red spotting, but not a lot, and not enough for me to think that my flow started today. Hoping for tomorrow.

CD1: YES, you’re reading that right!

Let’s just ignore my previous post, shall we? We’ll call it a momentary lapse in sanity.

I started having pretty bad cramps this morning, and my back was aching.  Went to the bathroom, because one of my biggest fears is bleeding through my pants at work (seriously — I have major anxiety about it!) to see if anything was going on and sure enough, red when I wiped! Not quite a “flow” yet, but I’m certain today will be the day. These cramps don’t lie, people.

I have to say, I’m relieved. If that test would have really been positive, I would have been so terrified. I wasn’t taking progesterone! I hadn’t done any Lovenox injections! I was not READY to be pregnant again!  So now, I can start fresh. Take my baby aspirin daily (I’ve been slacking), keep eating healthy and working out, track ovulation, hope it happens, start Lovenox injections and progesterone, and see what happens.

Yay!

CD30: What is that?

Tim brought home pregnancy tests last night. Since my AF symptoms have all but disappeared and my boobs are KILLING me (seriously, my left nipple is on fire, WTF is up with that?) we thought, ok. I’ll POAS and then magically, AF will appear because obviously it will be negative because there’s no way I could be pregnant.

Except I peed on the FRER and there was SOMETHING there. A smudge? A shadow? All we both knew was that it wasn’t a blank white screen. I didn’t want to use another FRER, so as not to “waste” them, so Tim got me a bunch of dollar tree tests. I used one, took a shower, dried my hair, came out, looked at it and saw this.

I’m going with evap line for sure, but who knows. I don’t want to pee on any more sticks because now I’ve got the whole “maybe I am” in the back of my mind and I’m most certainly NOT. And plus, OMG, if I am, I don’t want to call my OB! She told me to wait 30 days! She said use protection! She said don’t get pregnant! She will be maaaaaad.

I thought for sure when I woke up, AF would be here. But no. Nothing.

Also, logically thinking, if I were pregnant, at this point in my cycle, I think the line would be much darker than that, don’t you? Although, this cycle, all these cycle days are just good guesses, because with the m/c, I don’t honestly remember the exact day I started bleeding and not just spotting.

DAMN IT. I was trying to avoid this confusion!

Ok. I’m not pregnant. There. That’s it. I’m making the decision FOR my body. Stop messing with me, body! AF will be here today, I”m sure of it!

Crap.