Do. Not. Care.

Today, my BFF emailed me about a mutual friend of ours, who is also pregnant.

Awww, Natalie got to hear the heartbeat today! And she’s having an u/s next week, yay!

Excuse me while I bang my head against a wall.

It’s not that I’m not happy for Natalie, or for my BFF. But honestly, I DO NOT CARE RIGHT NOW. When every morning, I have to get up and inject a fucking blood thinner into my belly and hope against hope that it fucking works,  I DO NOT CARE that Natalie got to hear the heartbeat. Or that that you, BFF, have gas, or “oohhhhh just felt the baby move!” I DO NOT CARE that you are convinced you’re having a boy and you can’t think of any boy names. I DO NOT CARE that you passed your GD test or that you lost 3 pounds because you can’t stop puking. LEAVE. ME. ALONE.

I am such a horrible person! I want to share in all her excitement, I DO, but I feel like jabbing my eyes out with a pen every time I get a pregnancy-related email from her (or see a pregnancy-related post on Facebook, which is happening more and more often lately). I LOVE HER, I am so happy for her, I am so glad everything is going well with her pregnancy, but I just don’t want to hear about it. Is that terrible?

By the way, standard disclaimer applies here — if any of YOU dear bloggers get pregnant, I am really, truly, honestly ecstatic and want to hear every single detail. I think it’s because we share a super secret, super crappy infertility bond.

Today, after that stupid email about Natalie, I emailed her back.

You know what’s sad? I really feel like I’ll never get to the “hear the heartbeat” stage. I feel like I’ll probably get pregnant again, but it won’t end with a baby. I’ll get pregnant, get a positive test, and then a couple days later, it won’t be positive anymore. And I’m numb to that fact now. I don’t even feel sad about it at this point. Isn’t that awful? I just can’t picture getting past the first six weeks anymore.

She replied back with something typical. “It will happen, have faith” blah blah fucking blah.

But it’s true, what I said. I can’t even imagine getting a good beta number, or getting to the 6 week u/s, or seeing a little bean on an u/s screen.

What a sad realization.

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4 thoughts on “Do. Not. Care.

  1. You are NOT a terrible person. Your feelings are completely understandable and I wish your BFF had a little bit more sensitivity to the situation.

    Would it be possible for you to tell her that it bothers you? When my BFF was pregnant she was beyond sensitive and I was really lucky to not have to deal with that. Do you have the type of friendship where you could tell her that while you are really happy for her it’s just hard for you to hear about it all the time?

    • I honestly like to THINK that we do, but when it comes down to it, I know she would be hurt if I said anything to her. And I don’t want her to feel bad for being excited just because of what I’ve been through, you know? I think it’s one of those situations where I’m just going to have to grin and bear it.

  2. well, maybe she can talk about HER pregnancy, but not anyone elses. why on earth should you have to listen to/about other ppl getting pregnant, and their symptoms?? i snapped at my friend the other day when she told me that 2 of her girlfriends are pregnant. do i care? should i care? why would you tell me? to make me feel worse?? i said it just like that, and she felt really bad. *good*.

    • Exactly!!! I know that I’m extra super sensitive because I’m having this stupid infertility issue, but STILL. It’s enough that I be subjected to HER pregnancy stuff, I do not need insight into the pregancies of others as well.

      I’m glad you snapped at your friend! She deseved it. 🙂

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