Today, my BFF emailed me about a mutual friend of ours, who is also pregnant.
Awww, Natalie got to hear the heartbeat today! And she’s having an u/s next week, yay!
Excuse me while I bang my head against a wall.
It’s not that I’m not happy for Natalie, or for my BFF. But honestly, I DO NOT CARE RIGHT NOW. When every morning, I have to get up and inject a fucking blood thinner into my belly and hope against hope that it fucking works, I DO NOT CARE that Natalie got to hear the heartbeat. Or that that you, BFF, have gas, or “oohhhhh just felt the baby move!” I DO NOT CARE that you are convinced you’re having a boy and you can’t think of any boy names. I DO NOT CARE that you passed your GD test or that you lost 3 pounds because you can’t stop puking. LEAVE. ME. ALONE.
I am such a horrible person! I want to share in all her excitement, I DO, but I feel like jabbing my eyes out with a pen every time I get a pregnancy-related email from her (or see a pregnancy-related post on Facebook, which is happening more and more often lately). I LOVE HER, I am so happy for her, I am so glad everything is going well with her pregnancy, but I just don’t want to hear about it. Is that terrible?
By the way, standard disclaimer applies here — if any of YOU dear bloggers get pregnant, I am really, truly, honestly ecstatic and want to hear every single detail. I think it’s because we share a super secret, super crappy infertility bond.
Today, after that stupid email about Natalie, I emailed her back.
You know what’s sad? I really feel like I’ll never get to the “hear the heartbeat” stage. I feel like I’ll probably get pregnant again, but it won’t end with a baby. I’ll get pregnant, get a positive test, and then a couple days later, it won’t be positive anymore. And I’m numb to that fact now. I don’t even feel sad about it at this point. Isn’t that awful? I just can’t picture getting past the first six weeks anymore.
She replied back with something typical. “It will happen, have faith” blah blah fucking blah.
But it’s true, what I said. I can’t even imagine getting a good beta number, or getting to the 6 week u/s, or seeing a little bean on an u/s screen.
What a sad realization.