4w4d: I confess

I spent the majority of the weekend doing really well. I wasn’t overthinking anything, I wasn’t doing  an underwear-check every ten minutes. I was just enjoying my time with Tim and Maddie (and, of course, saying a silent “thank you” every time the toilet paper was clear.)

But yesterday, about halfway through the day, I started to panic. What if my hcg peaked on Saturday when I did the digital? What if it’s been slowly falling since then? Why don’t I have any “symptoms”? Shouldn’t I, if my hcg is going up?

Last night, I had horrible dreams. I dreamed that I went to the bathroom, wiped, and saw red. I told Tim, my mom, and everyone in the dream (and for some reason there were a lot of people there!) that it was ending the same way, that I was done, it was over, I gave up.  And then at some point after that, I came to the realization that dream-me had been dreaming as well, and that the red had never happened, and things were still clear.

I woke up feeling very nervous. I didn’t want to go to the bathroom. I just wanted to lay there until my beta and then have them tell me it was going to be ok.

But of course, I couldn’t do that. So I went to the bathroom. And it’s still all clear. Everything is still fine. At this point, I have no reason to believe things aren’t moving along as they should be.

So then why am I so scared?

Edited to Add:

Dreams: To dream that you are dreaming signifies your emotional state. You are excessively worried and fearful about a situation or circumstance that you are going through.

Hit the nail on the head, huh?

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2 thoughts on “4w4d: I confess

  1. Please don’t worry that you’re not feeling bad yet- w/ this pregnancy (which it took 17 months and lots of help to get that BFP)- I didn’t really start to feel bad until 7 weeks. I know it’s SO nerve-wracking! Hang in there- and hoping those Beta’s are great today! When do you get the results??

    • Thank you for the comment. I know it’s early, and I could easily drive myself crazy analyzing everything, so I should really just stop, right? 🙂

      I’m guessing I will get the results back tomorrow. Depending on the nurse, I might get them back today (some know my history and might get them for me today, some don’t and probably won’t)

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