Ba-bum. Ba-bum. Ba-bum.

When I was pregnant with Maddie, I rented a fetal doppler so Tim and I could listen to her heartbeat whenever we wanted. When we got over the heartbeat hurdle with this baby, there was no question that I would rent a doppler again.

It arrived today, and I quickly took it out of the package and got all ready to try to find the heartbeat. I hesitated for a minute, because I’m only 8w6d today, and that’s really early to hear the heartbeat on a doppler. But I thought, what the hell, and I went for it.

It took awhile. At first, I could only hear my own heartbeat. But then, there it was. Ba-bum ba-bum ba-bum ba-bum. The sweet, beautiful sound of my little one’s heart thumping away.

Sweet relief.



Ok, I couldn’t take it. There’s no way I would have been able to sleep (or eat, or function for that matter) if I didn’t find out what was going on. So I went to the ER.  Matt, the physician’s assistant, was SO sweet. He just kept saying, “Try to stay calm, I know it’s hard considering your history. It’ll be ok, it’ll be ok.” So he did a blood draw to check my HCG and sent me for an u/s. I thought I was going to throw up I was so nervous. The tech asked me to explain my situation, and she said, “Ok, it’s going to be ok. I just have one rule when you’re in here.” And she clutched my arm and said, “You have to remember to breathe.” And she smiled and she was just SO nice and really put me at ease. I couldn’t see anything through the abdominal u/s, which isn’t uncommon since I’m only 8w3d and my bladder was empty. We did an internal, and she turned the screen towards me and said, “Ok, mama. Take a look.”

And there it was. That beautiful heartbeat. I started crying, I”m not going to lie. She squeezed my hand and said she didn’t see any evidence of any other blood and that baby is measuring right on track, 8w3d. Heart rate was 180, up from 120 not even two weeks ago, so that was really good too. Obviously this is not a guarantee that everything is going to be ok, but I feel MUCH better now. If the heart rate had been low, I’d be worried. But 180 is GREAT, and baby was curled up in the cutest little ball, that little heart flickering away.

They’re calling it a threatened miscarriage. I have to take it easy, don’t lift Maddie or anything else, no sex, get rest, etc. and follow up with my OB in a few days. But for now, everything is ok.

No no no no no no.

Lots of brown stuff this morning. Looks like it always does before my period starts. Exactly how it’s looked before every other miscarriage I’ve had.

I don’t know what I”ll do if this is happening again.

I can’t stop crying.

They grow up so fast!

Maddie turns three on May 4th. I honestly cannot believe that she is already going to be three. There is no “baby” left in her at all. She’s such a little girl now! Today, we had her 3 year photos taken. They took over 100 photos and I had such a hard time choosing which ones to get prints of! Luckily, I got the CD with all the proofs, so I have them all if I want to print more. Wanted to share. 🙂


I have this friend. We’ll call her Jane.  To put it mildly, Jane is a drama queen. She has been this way since I met her 13 years ago.  It’s always something with her.  An illness, a mental problem, problems with men. I have never known her to not have some sort of drama going on in her life. And a lot of the drama is made up. Or maybe not COMPLETELY made up, but definitely embelished. Exaggerated. Only half-true.

Four years ago, Jane got pregnant. At that time, I hadn’t spoken to her in several years. We lost touch after high school, and it was only when she sent me a random email out of the blue that we even caught up again. She complained about the whole pregnancy. Nothing was good about it. She was sick, she was tired, she had this ailment and that ailment. She didn’t want the baby, she did want the baby, up down, all around. She wasn’t married at the time, but she and the baby’s father planned to get married at some point.

After Jack was born, Jane suffered from severe PPD. She told me that she often thought about strangling Jack and that she was getting help from a phychiatrist because she was afraid to be alone with him. If it could happen, it happened to Jane. During her PPD phase, she came clean to me that she’d had a miscarriage before Jack was born. She was 13 weeks along, she said, and it was awful. I felt terrible for her and did my best to be a good friend and listen whenever she needed me.

Fast forward to the present. Jack is three, and Jane is almost divorced to Jack’s father. (I should note that not six months ago, Jane was telling me things with she and her husband were “better than ever — we’re even trying for #2!” Weeks later, he was an abusive asshole and she was filing for divorce.)  When I was going through the miscarriages, she suddenly had another one to tell me about. Instead of having had just the one at 13 weeks, she had actually had two. One at 10 weeks and one at 13 weeks. She told the story of how she spent all weekend in the bathtub, standing there bleeding. I was suspicious, but didn’t want to question her.

Now, she’s got this boyfriend. We’ll call him Joe. Joe is “everything” she’s ever wanted. He’s amazing, he’s wonderful, he’s this, he’s that. She emailed me on Wednesday and said, “I got a BFP yesterday. I’m terrified.” After making sure it wasn’t her soon-to-be-ex’s baby, I asked what she planned to do. She said she hoped it was just a false positive, because, “I’m on the pill, Amanda! I’ve never missed a day!” She proceded to tell me that she had a doctor’s appointment that day at 4:45 to discuss her anxiety issues, and she was going to “demand a beta test”.

Ok. I have to admit that I was (I AM) skeptical. It just seems SO far fetched and out there. And I KNOW she’s drama. I know she wants attention. A miracle baby? Why not throw that into the mix? Anyway, she tells me the next morning that her beta was at 76. But “It doesn’t matter because I started bleeding this morning.”  Oh. Ok. Told her I was so sorry, hang in there, blah blah blah. (Can you tell that I”m getting irritated?)

Today, she emails me and tells me that her beta from today was 307. But that she’d been “bleeding like you wouldn’t believe” last night. Now she throws in “I have a hematoma, 8 cm X 9 cm, which my OB called “gigantic.” She says I’ll bleed through my whole first tri.”
I’m sorry. I can’t even continue listening to her story. I didn’t even email her because I am just SO irritated/annoyed/angry with her. I don’t believe her, not for a minute. I’ll believe her when she delivers a baby in 9 months.

I know this sounds cruel. I realize I sound like a complete bitch. But I just don’t think she’s telling the truth. I have a feeling that in 3 months, she will “miscarry” again. And I use the term “miscarry” lightly because you can’t miscarry a nonexistant pregnancy.



Had to get that off my chest.

8 weeks! I made it!

Today is a big day for me. 8 weeks seems like such a milestone for some reason, and I have been anxious all week for this day to get here.

I’m feeling good about this pregnancy now. I’m so attached to my little poppy seed (which is actually now a little kidney bean) and I feel like now, I’m starting to get into the point when things start “happening”. I still don’t have a lot of symptoms (except horrible gas pains and bloating, and the occasional wave of nauseau) but I’m not letting it bother me. I’m ready to embrace this pregnancy, this baby, with all I have. Finally.

(Please just don’t let it backfire on me.)

Where did that come from?

Ok, so I’m 7w6d today (oh-so-close to that 8 week mark!) Yesterday, I tried on all my work pants. They fit, pretty much, except that I can’t button them! Not even close. How is this possible! I CANNOT be starting to show already, can I? It’s not possible! I’m sure it’s just bloat. I haven’t gained any weight, so it can’t be that. Anyway, I was using the rubber binder trick on my pants yesterday. I went to the bathroom, and I was mortified to see that my zipper had broken! Completely split apart! Argh! I really hope no one noticed. How embarassing!

My BFF brought over her belly (bella?) band for me to try, because I’m getting really frustrated (and uncomfortable in too-tight pants!)

Took these this morning because I can’t believe it. I know it doesn’t look like much, but normally my belly is pretty damn flat. Crazy!

Isn’t that nuts?!

Here’s hoping the belly band works.