Wait and worry, worry and wait.

5 weeks 1 day today.

 This is the furthest (farthest?) I’ve made it without any spotting, or cramps, or bad betas. At this point, I’ve always known that the pregnancy was doomed.

 And today, here I sit. Great beta numbers so far, not a cramp to be felt, clear as clear can be down there. And yet, I cannot help but worry. My new fear is that I’ll go in for my ultrasound and there will be a sac, but no baby. Blighted ovum. It happens, you know! HCG levels rise nicely, things are going fine, and the boom. No baby. A woman I know has had two!  I realize that I probably sound crazy, but it’s hard to be anywhere near sane at this point.

 It’s so hard for me to feel like I can embrace this pregnancy just yet. I want to be excited! I want to tell everyone, I want to hug Tim and spin around in circles and celebrate! But I feel like if I do that, ANY of that, I’ll be cursing myself. Cursing this beloved little sesame seed growing inside me.

 I just want all of you to know how much your comments and prayers and good thoughts mean to me, by the way. I honestly do not know how I would make it through any of this without all of you cheering me on. I was telling some good friends over at bbc today that I can’t help but almost feel guilty about being pregnant again, because there are so many amazing women I know out there that are struggling. I just want all of us to have what we so desperately desire. Someday, I know we all will.

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One thought on “Wait and worry, worry and wait.

  1. Awh Amanda, don’t feel guilty. You deserve this, you really do. You are not taking anything away from anyone else just because you are pregnant. We will hopefully all have our day. This one is yours, enjoy it as much as possible 😉

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