I feel weird.

I don’t know how to explain it. I thought seeing that beautiful heartbeat would lower my stress level. I thought I’d feel better, more relaxed, but instead, I feel even more afraid.

I know the tech told me everything looked good. I asked her if the baby’s heart rate was ok. She said, “I like to see anything over 100. Under 100, I worry. Over 100, it looks good. And 120 is even better.” Well, baby’s heart rate was measuring 120. So that’s good, right?

It’s not that I’m not happy. I am THRILLED to know that there’s a little blueberry with a beating heart growing in my belly. But now I’m SO in love. I can already picture the day he/she is born, and bringing him/her home. I’m thinking names and clothes and paint colors. But what if something goes wrong again? What if the next time I see the doctor (which isn’t for several weeks) the sweet little heartbeat has slowed, or stopped all together?

I know it’s morbid to think in these terms. I know I should just stop thinking like that and enjoy my pregnancy. But miscarriage has made that impossible for me.

Last night I laid in bed, hands on my tummy, and told this little blueberry how much I love her (ok, I think it’s a girl. Confession.) How I want her to stay strong and grow and be born into our family, how Mommy and Daddy and her big sister can’t wait to meet her in November/December.

Please, please, please let this be it.

Mommy loves you, baby.


8 thoughts on “6w6d

  1. You know, my best friend had 2 back to back miscarriages and she is now pregnant again- her Dr. let her come for a quick ultrasound every week until they could hear the heartbeat- for peace of mind. Don’t know if your Dr. will do that for you or if your insurance will cover it…but just an idea…Hang in there mama. It’s going to be okay!! 🙂

    • I wish they would do that! I’m sure they would if I asked, but I think at this point I just need to have faith that everything is going to be ok. Thanks for the comment and the encouragement!

  2. Don’t know if you know this but the odds of miscarriage drop to 5% after seeing the heartbeat! I’m a numbers person and that’s such a small percentage. Try to stay positive and just take it day to day. ❤

  3. I think you will have those fears all the way through the first trimester. I have seen the heartbeat twice and lost both babies – not sure how accurate Jennifer’s statement is.

    That said, you have to enjoy TODAY. You have to enjoy THIS MOMENT. Allow yourself to dream and think about this child’s life with you.

    This moment is all we have, you know?

    Also, have you considered ordering a doppler? I used one with Asher and it was AWESOME to hear that little heart thumping away every day!

    • Jen’s right — I’ve seen that statement several times during “research” and the tech actually said the same thing. But it’s still scary (and it’s stories like yours that make me question it, you know?)

      But you’re right — I need to live in this moment. This happy, beautiful moment.

      I will definitely be getting a doppler once I can hear the hb through my belly. I had one with Maddie and it was so reassuring!

  4. Hi there,

    I just wanted to say Congratulations on you pregnancy. I’ve been reading through your blog as I came accross it in search of Crystals/Fertility charms. I love your necklace which you posted in a couple of posts away

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