That’s where I feel I’m at with Tim.
I can forgive him. I haven’t, not yet, but I can. I will. Forgetting is the hard part. It’s hard to forget that he sought out the attention of another woman. It’s hard to forget that he could be so selfish, especially when I’m pregnant with his child (a child I have gone to great lengths to have.) It’s hard to forget that he was going to go sleep with her.
For most of the week, he wasn’t here. I told him I needed him to leave, I couldn’t be around him. It was causing me too much stress and anxiety and hurt and I just couldn’t deal. He went to his brother’s, without argument, and spent most of that time apologizing to me, over and over, for being such an idiot. He called me crying on the first night, saying he couldn’t believe how badly he’d fucked up, how stupid he’d been. How scared he was that he was going to lose Maddie, the baby, and me.
I didn’t feel bad for him. And I told him that. I told him he deserved to be afraid. He deserved to worry.
By the end of the week, his side of the bed was getting cold, and I was getting lonely. As angry as I am with him, as hurt and shocked as I am, I missed him. I wanted him home, I wanted him to know that I could forgive him, but it would take me a long time to forget.
So we’re working on it. I know many of you are probably rolling your eyes and shaking your head at me. I don’t blame you. Maybe I’d be stronger about this situation if I weren’t pregnant. But for now, this is what I need to do. What I want to do. I don’t want a divorce. I love my husband, and I know he loves me, not matter how royally he fucked up. And I know, I KNOW, he adores his children. Maddie, and the one that’s not even here yet.
My biggest problem is going to be the instinct to throw this in his face every time we hit a bump in the road. I have to try my best not to do that, because if I’m going to forgive him, I have to forgive him. I can’t hold on to this forever.
That’s where it stands. He’s been very attentive since he got home, very helpful around the house. I don’t want him to think he can win my love back my bowing down to my every whim, though. I just need him to be sorry. And to realize what he has here, with me and Maddie and eventually, the baby.