Forgive. But can’t forget.

That’s where I feel I’m at with Tim.

I can forgive him. I haven’t, not  yet, but I can. I will. Forgetting is the hard part. It’s hard to forget that he sought out the attention of another woman. It’s hard to forget that he could be so selfish, especially when I’m pregnant with his child (a child I have gone to great lengths to have.) It’s hard to forget that he was going to go sleep with her.

For most of the week, he wasn’t here. I told him I needed him to leave, I couldn’t be around him. It was causing me too much stress and anxiety and hurt and I just couldn’t deal. He went to his brother’s, without argument, and spent most of that time apologizing to me, over and over, for being such an idiot. He called me crying on the first night, saying he couldn’t believe how badly he’d fucked up, how stupid he’d been. How scared he was that he was going to lose Maddie, the baby, and me.

I didn’t feel bad for him. And I told him that. I told him he deserved to be afraid. He deserved to worry.

By the end of the week, his side of the bed was getting cold, and I was getting lonely. As angry as I am with him, as hurt and shocked as I am, I missed him. I wanted him home, I wanted him to know that I could forgive him, but it would take me a long time to forget.

So we’re working on it. I know many of you are probably rolling your eyes and shaking your head at me. I don’t blame you. Maybe I’d be stronger about this situation if I weren’t pregnant. But for now, this is what I need to do. What I want to do. I don’t want a divorce. I love my husband, and I know he loves me, not matter how royally he fucked up. And I know, I KNOW, he adores his children. Maddie, and the one that’s not even here yet.

My biggest problem is going to be the instinct to throw this in his face every time we hit a bump in the road. I have to try my best not to do that, because if I’m going to forgive him, I have to forgive him. I can’t hold on to this forever.

That’s where it stands. He’s been very attentive since he got home, very helpful around the house. I don’t want him to think he can win my love back my bowing down to my every whim, though. I just need him to be sorry. And to realize what he has here, with me and Maddie and eventually, the baby.

Details

Sorry for the lack of details in my previous post. I only had a minute and didn’t want to leave you guys hanging.

I’ll admit, I was nervous when I went down to my meeting with Cate, the HR recruiter. It could have gone one of two ways, obviously. She was bringing me down there to offer me the position, or she was bringing me down there to thank me for my application, but tell me they’d gone with another candidate.

When I got there, we chatted for a bit about our kids. She is SO sweet and easy to get along with, so it was easy to just sit there and talk with her. Then she said, “Well, I have good news! We want to offer you the position.” Ahhh! Relief! I accepted immediately, of course.

It will be a lateral move, which is totally fine with me. Sometimes lateral moves are the best ones to make, and I know this position is going to open up a lot of opportunities for me within the company. She told me I was guaranteed an increase in January, which is great. I’ll be on maternity leave then, but still.

Which brings us to maternity leave. Ha! I didn’t bring up the fact that I’m pregnant yet. Part of me believes that they already know, and then the other part of me thinks ok, well maybe they don’t. I’m guessing I’ll be speaking with my new supervisor within the next fews days, and I plan to tell him then. I just don’t really know how to approach it. I know I want to lay out all my appointments for him and let him know that I don’t plan on missing any other time unless completely, medically necessary. I had planned on taking a 12-week leave, but I’m going to cut it to 8 because I think that’s best for me in the long run with this position.

So what do you guys think? How should I bring it up?

Thank you.

The incredible outpouring of support from this blogging community never ceases to amaze me. Your comments on my previous post truly touched my heart, and I am so thankful for each and every one of you. Thank you for being there for me, no matter what the situation.

Today, I should find out if I got the new position at work or not. I’m not feeling very confident, suddenly, probably because I’m in horrible mood and don’t feel like there’s any reason to hope for anything anymore. But maybe they’ll surprise me with an offer. We’ll see. I promise to keep you updated.
Again, thank you. SO much.

Broken.

Sunday morning, I woke up before Tim. He was sleeping in because it was Father’s Day, and he’d been out late the night before at a bonfire with some friends. His phone kept beeping, so I went into our room and grabbed it to stop it so it wouldn’t wake him up. On the screen it said the message was from “L”, which right away raised a red flag for me. Why would you use just someone’s initial? The message said, “good morning”, which, again, what? I don’t even text my best friend good morning, or my mom, or my dad, or even Tim.

I said, “Tim. Who’s L?”

You have never seen someone wake up from a dead sleep as fast as he did. He shot straight up in bed and grabbed the phone from my hand. “It’s no one. It’s nothing. Don’t worry about it.”

Huh. Yeah.

Without getting too much into the details, it came out today that “L” is a girl who posted an ad on Craiglist, an ad which my husband responded to. They have been texting, picture-messaging, and talking non-stop. He was talking to her when I was laying in bed sleeping next to him. On Saturday, he almost went to see her. To sleep with her. But he didn’t. Instead, they talked and texted until 2:30 in the morning, the whole time he was at the bonfire.

Had I not found the message, he probably would have fucked her.

I kicked him out. I cannot bear to look at him.

He’s apologized a zillion times, said he’s stupid, he can’t live without me, he’s so sorry for being so selfish and throwing away the best thing ever had.

And I want to believe that he’s sincere. But I just…can’t. Not now. Not yet.

I asked why he did it. His honest answer? “Sex. I did it for sex, nothing more.”

Well gee, that sure makes me feel a whole lot better.

I am a mess. A complete fucking mess.

16 weeks!

My baby ticker tells me that soon, I’ll be able to feel the baby kicking. I cannot WAIT for that moment. I’ve felt her jumping around every now and then, and I have the doppler to reassure me whenever I start to feel nervous for one reason or another, but I know that when I finally start to feel those kicks, this whole thing will feel that much more real. I’m so excited to have made it this far, and I am even more excited for my big ultrasound on July 21st. Right now it seems so far away, but if I get this new position, I’m thinking that time is going to fly. Learning something new at work always makes the time go by faster!

Speaking of the new position, my second interview went really well too, maybe better than the first (if only because the second interview was with a woman and she asked me a lot more questions, so I was able to wow her with my answers. Ha!) I met with the HR recruiter yesterday afternoon, and she laid out a whole career path for me if I get the position, which was awesome. In my current position, there’s no room for growth, so it was exciting to see an actual pattern laid out. She told me that they’re making a decision on Tuesday, and she’ll let me know either way then. I’m hopeful, but nervous. I did NOT tell them that I’m pregnant, though I’m pretty sure that at this point, they could be wondering, based on the fact that my bump is pretty obvious. So we’ll see.

Speaking of my bump, here it is!

It’s really rounded out. Crazy!

One more thing — I just want to take a minute to send SO MANY GOOD THOUGHTS to some newly pregnant blogger friends out there. To all of you who have ultrasounds tomorrow or early next week, I can’t wait to hear your news. I’m thinking of all of you!

Hopeful!

Just a quick update–

My interview today went really well! I feel like I nailed it. I got along really will with the hiring manager, and he seemed like he’d be a good guy to work for. He told me all about the job, answered all my questions, and we even joked around a little bit about some of the people we work with. All in all, I think it went great and I left there feeling really good about things.

I have another interview on Wednesday with the hiring manager’s peer, and then I have a “personality evaluation” that afternoon. Fingers crossed!