Broken.

Sunday morning, I woke up before Tim. He was sleeping in because it was Father’s Day, and he’d been out late the night before at a bonfire with some friends. His phone kept beeping, so I went into our room and grabbed it to stop it so it wouldn’t wake him up. On the screen it said the message was from “L”, which right away raised a red flag for me. Why would you use just someone’s initial? The message said, “good morning”, which, again, what? I don’t even text my best friend good morning, or my mom, or my dad, or even Tim.

I said, “Tim. Who’s L?”

You have never seen someone wake up from a dead sleep as fast as he did. He shot straight up in bed and grabbed the phone from my hand. “It’s no one. It’s nothing. Don’t worry about it.”

Huh. Yeah.

Without getting too much into the details, it came out today that “L” is a girl who posted an ad on Craiglist, an ad which my husband responded to. They have been texting, picture-messaging, and talking non-stop. He was talking to her when I was laying in bed sleeping next to him. On Saturday, he almost went to see her. To sleep with her. But he didn’t. Instead, they talked and texted until 2:30 in the morning, the whole time he was at the bonfire.

Had I not found the message, he probably would have fucked her.

I kicked him out. I cannot bear to look at him.

He’s apologized a zillion times, said he’s stupid, he can’t live without me, he’s so sorry for being so selfish and throwing away the best thing ever had.

And I want to believe that he’s sincere. But I just…can’t. Not now. Not yet.

I asked why he did it. His honest answer? “Sex. I did it for sex, nothing more.”

Well gee, that sure makes me feel a whole lot better.

I am a mess. A complete fucking mess.

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10 thoughts on “Broken.

  1. Oh God…I’m sick for you. I truly am nauseated and broken for you. I just cannot imagine the range of emotions you must be going through. I really have no words. I’m so proud of you for kicking him out. Even though I know that doesn’t solve anything or even remotely make you feel better. I am so sorry. Please know I’m thinking of you.

  2. Holy shit. I’m so sorry and can’t imagine what you are feeling and going through. Hang in there, I’ll be thinking of you.

  3. hey there – i’m soooo sorry you’re going through this. it’s the absolute last thing you need and i’m just sick for you.

    if you need an ear at any time, don’t hesitate to email me. siennac456@gmail.com. i’m wishing really hard that just by getting caught and you kicking him out of the house, that tim’ll get his act together and that that’s the end of the story.

    sending you big hugs. put yourself first, and do whatever you need to get through this. i’m sooo sorry hon.

  4. I’m sorry for what you are going through! I can’t even imagine. Please be sure to take care of yourself and you’re baby as best you can right now. I know it will be hard but try to be sure you still eat good meals and do the best you can to put yourself first.

  5. Amanda, I just can’t stop thinking about you. I feel like I need to pick up the phone to call you. Even though we don’t really “know” each other. I feel as though I do know you. I hope you are doing okay. I’ve followed you & your up’s and down’s for a while. Please know you have all your “blog” friends who truly care about you & will support you- even if it is from a distance. Please feel free to email me ANYTIME!! thekellers2007@yahoo.com

  6. Amanda, I always wait for your posts and was looking forward to hearing about the big ultrasound and your job and then I come online to find…THIS POST. I am so sorry to hear that your husband did what he did…It sounds like the stress of everything involving your pregnancy/his job/etc. has gotten to him and this is his way of escaping. Very cowardly, and totally hideous of him (if you ask me). I will pray for you and your little girl and of course the little babe in your tummy. I hope you find strength and get through this…we are all thinking of you.

  7. Oh my lord, there are no words. I am so heartbroken for you. But I think you absolutely did the right thing by kicking him out. You do not deserve to be treated that way, and kicking him out shows how much self-worth you have. I have to imagine it was incredibly hard though, so I hope you are hanging in there. I’ll pray for you and your little ones. *hugs*

  8. WTF! I was shocked to see your post. I am so so sorry! I’m dumb struck. I really have no words. I am thinking about you.

  9. It takes a bigger person to forgive…..it will be hard to forget….but in time it will be easier….I just hope for your sake and the kids that it was a one and only time…we all make mistakes…its part of life…he didn’t do it because he doesn’t love you…and I’m sure he feels like shit….good! He better!

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