Forgive. But can’t forget.

That’s where I feel I’m at with Tim.

I can forgive him. I haven’t, not  yet, but I can. I will. Forgetting is the hard part. It’s hard to forget that he sought out the attention of another woman. It’s hard to forget that he could be so selfish, especially when I’m pregnant with his child (a child I have gone to great lengths to have.) It’s hard to forget that he was going to go sleep with her.

For most of the week, he wasn’t here. I told him I needed him to leave, I couldn’t be around him. It was causing me too much stress and anxiety and hurt and I just couldn’t deal. He went to his brother’s, without argument, and spent most of that time apologizing to me, over and over, for being such an idiot. He called me crying on the first night, saying he couldn’t believe how badly he’d fucked up, how stupid he’d been. How scared he was that he was going to lose Maddie, the baby, and me.

I didn’t feel bad for him. And I told him that. I told him he deserved to be afraid. He deserved to worry.

By the end of the week, his side of the bed was getting cold, and I was getting lonely. As angry as I am with him, as hurt and shocked as I am, I missed him. I wanted him home, I wanted him to know that I could forgive him, but it would take me a long time to forget.

So we’re working on it. I know many of you are probably rolling your eyes and shaking your head at me. I don’t blame you. Maybe I’d be stronger about this situation if I weren’t pregnant. But for now, this is what I need to do. What I want to do. I don’t want a divorce. I love my husband, and I know he loves me, not matter how royally he fucked up. And I know, I KNOW, he adores his children. Maddie, and the one that’s not even here yet.

My biggest problem is going to be the instinct to throw this in his face every time we hit a bump in the road. I have to try my best not to do that, because if I’m going to forgive him, I have to forgive him. I can’t hold on to this forever.

That’s where it stands. He’s been very attentive since he got home, very helpful around the house. I don’t want him to think he can win my love back my bowing down to my every whim, though. I just need him to be sorry. And to realize what he has here, with me and Maddie and eventually, the baby.

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6 thoughts on “Forgive. But can’t forget.

  1. I’m sorry you are going through this during pregnancy :(. That is super sucky. I don’t think you are necessarily making a bad decision trying to work things out. I mean that was a HUGE a-hole thing of him to do and I’m sure it’ll take awhile to build up trust, but things could still work out. Have you thought about some type of marriage counseling? I guess that is what I’d do if it were me. Good luck and HUGS!

  2. I’ve been thinking about you all week. Literally, all week. Don’t worry what other people think about your choices. There is a lot at stake. You have one, soon to be two children who need their dad.

    What he did was wrong, but something stopped him. Maybe just barely but it did. Marriage is challenging at times. Just make the best decision you can with the info you have at the time. That is what I try to live by. Usually, it helps when I’m not sure what to do and thinking about all the unknowns.

    Be true to yourself and Maddie. Hugs;)

  3. oh, sweetie, i am so not rolling my eyes at you! you are being such a strong woman! it seems like you are finding your way and that brings a smile : ) i cannot imagine what you are going through – but if you need anything, please let me know!

  4. No eye rolling! You owe it to your marraige and your children to try to work past this. Meanwhile, you should take advantage of his willingness to do stuff around the house and make him do all the yucky jobs before the baby comes. . .like scrubbing the diaper pail clean and cleaning the basement. 🙂

  5. Oh my gosh I’m so sorry you’re going through this right now! No judgment from me and hopefully not from anyone else. Only YOU know what is best for your marriage and I’m personally glad you’re not taking your vows lightly. That you are focusing on making it work and are aware that it’s going to be a long hard road to make things right. I think if both parties are willing to take the steps to fix what was wrong you can come out so much stronger and better!

    I have lots of prayers going out for you right now. I hope things get better for you both. *hugs*

    http://lovelyladybump.blogspot.com

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