“Mommy, I DID IT!”

Those are the words I heard last night at about 7:30.

“Did what, honey?”

“Look!”

Apparently she wanted some chocolate milk.

She had all the ingredients. And you’ll notice that she got the chocolate into the cup  (and some on the floor). That’s what she was talking about it when said “I did it!”

Smarty pants.

26w4d

I’ve been a really bad blogger. I’m reading all your blogs (fingers crossed for all of you waiting on beta results, I’m hoping so hard for you!), I just haven’t been commenting because…well, the only real excuse I have is that I only have a few minutes each day lately to read blogs. So commenting kind of falls by the wayside (as does replying to your comments. But keep them coming, sometimes they’re what ges me through the day!)

Here are some “me” updates:

Job: Eh. It’s ok. I don’t think I’ll stay in this position long, meaning likely I’ll look for something else after maternity leave, if anything is open. If’s not that the job is BAD (and truly, ANYTHING is better than what I was doing/who I was working for) but it’s just not something I’m enjoying just yet. Maybe it will change, maybe it’s just because I’ve got so much on my mind that I can’t really get into a groove, or maybe it’s because I feel like I’m working in a morgue, I don’t know. Thing is, I’m a really social person. I like to talk to people, I like to know about people’s lives. And I think laughter gets you through the day. But in my new position, it’s so quiet you could hear a pin drop. People hardly even say good morning to each other! It’s very odd. I’m sure I’ll get used to it, and I’m lucky to even HAVE a job, so I’ll take what I can get.

Tim: We’re working on it. We fight a lot, I’m not going to deny it, and I have this problem where I keep throwing the “you almost had sex with someone else” issue in his face. I know that’s not fair, and I know if I’m going to get past it, I have to stop doing that. But obviously I’m not over it yet, so I don’t know. He still doesn’t have a job (and he applies for at least 4 or 5 a day, when they come up) and I’m just in major panic mode about the whole thing.

Maddie: Ohhh, my little girl. She’s starting dance lessons in just a week and a half and she is getting so big. She’s turned into quite the little manipulator, too. If I tell her no, she looks at me with those big blue eyes and says, “But Mommy…I love you!” Gah! Talk about killing me! Geez. She has to go back to the ENT next week for her follow up from surgery last year. It’s looking like she’ll need surgery AGAIN, to get new tubes at least, because both ears have perforations in them now becuse she had ear infections a few weeks ago; her tubes have stopped working. So we’ll see what the ENT says. I just hate the thought of her having to go under again. She’s been through enough already!

Pregnancy: It’s been a rough weekend. Saturday, I took a nap with Maddie and when I woke up, I felt this nagging pain in my lower right side. I figured it was just stretching, or the baby sitting funny, but after 6 hours, it still wasn’t gone. It brought me to tears more than once. I tried stretching, I tried laying on my other side, I tried a warm bath. Nothing was working. Finally I just propped myself up in bed, drank some water, and tried to get some sleep. But it still hurt, from my right side around to my back.  Is it possible to have contractions on just one side? Because that’s what it felt like. I was freaked out, to say the least. But when I woke up the next morning, all seemed fine. I was exhausted, but at least the pain seemed to be gone. Then last night, Tim and I volunteered at the State Fair through my job. Two hours of standing on my feet in 90* heat and humidity, then half an hour of walking around, and I was ready to pass out. Braxton Hicks all afternoon, and my feet were swelling. The minute I got home, I put my feet up and fell asleep.

Other than that, Miles is fine. He’s moving around like crazy, and I love every minute of it.

Crazy to think that in three months, I will be holding him in my arms.

I don’t have anything new to report, so I’ll just share some pictures.

25 weeks, 2 days

Maddie hugging her “brudder”

She always thinks that if she lifts my shirt up, she’ll be able to see him. Too cute.

Plugging along

Thank you all for your comments on my last post. It’s so nice to know that I have support coming from somewhere, from people who really do understand what I’m going through.

I’m still not sleeping (more on my discussion with the OB on that in a bit) and so I’ve been pretty on edge. Saturday I got out of bed and I was so, so tired that I felt like a zombie. I decided I needed a “me” day, so I called my stylist and told her I was coming in for a cut and color. Luckily, she had an opening, so I headed out there and went super blonde and got a really cute cut. (Side note: my stylist is moving to California in three short weeks and I AM SO SAD.) It’s amazing what a cut and color can do for your mood! After that, I shopped around the strip mall for about an hour, just enjoying some time alone. I need to do this more often — it really was uplifiting.

Today I had my regular prenatal appointment. I saw a different OB than I usually see, and I actually really liked her. he asked how I was feeling, and I told her, “Good, except I don’t sleep.” She said, “Why don’t you sleep?” I just kind of shrugged and said I didn’t know. I told her I wasn’t overly uncomfortable or anything, I just couldn’t stay asleep. I probably sleep 3 – 4 hours a night, if that. She didn’t like that, so she asked, “Are you hungry?” No. “Have you tried taking anything?” Tylenol PM, but it doesn’t work anymore. “Seriously? It’s not working?” Nope. She suggested Unisom, then said I should try eating a protein snack before bed. She wants me to try eating zero carbs after 6:30, since carbs give you energy and that could be part of why I’m not sleeping.  So, we’ll try that, and hopefully it’ll work.

Other things: my belly is measuring 24…inches? centimeters? I don’t know what they measure it by, but she said it’s perfect. She felt baby and said, “Oh, he’s already head down.” So that would explain the crotch pain. Ha! His heart rate was 155, to which she said, “Oh, he’s excited today!”

Starting with my next appointment, where I will be 29 weeks, I have my glucose screening and will also start having ultrasounds and NSTs.  I’ll go at 29 and 31 weeks, then at 32 weeks I start going weekly. Each appointment will be ultrasound, NST, and OB. I was stressing about this, because I did not want to miss so much work. Luckily, they’re working me in at the very end of the day, so I’ll typically only have to leave work maybe half an hour early once a week. It seems like SO many appointments, and yeah, it is, but better safe than sorry.

Yes, I’ve been MIA. Sorry about that. I’ve still been reading all your blogs and keeping up with what’s going on with all of you, I just haven’t had much to say myself.

I’m trying to get out of this funk, and it’s really just not working. I’ve been snapping at Tim nonstop, I’ve been very impatient with Maddie, and all I want to do is lay around and stress about everything.

I don’t really know where do go from here. My mom keeps telling me, “Attitude is everything,” but I just can’t bring myself to follow that mentality.

Anyway, enough of me being a downer. Today, I went through the boxes and boxes (and boxes and boxes) of Maddie’s baby and toddler clothes and separated everything into different sizes for a garage sale. I also pulled out a bunch of gender neutral stuff that Maddie probably wore once (if that) that Miles can wear, as well as a ton of never-used burp clothes, receiving blankets, and onesies. Add that to the many outfits he’s already gotten, and we have a good start. We still have a ways to go, but we’ve already purchased the bedding and mostly everything for his nursery, so we’re set there. I want to get a bunch of lined baskets for his bookshelf and use them for his onesies, diapers, etc. Any suggestions on where to purchase the baskets that’s not going to cost me an arm and leg? We looked at Babies R Us, but man, they’re $14.99 and up! I want to get about six of them, so that’ll cost me a lot!

I’m coming up on 24 weeks, and for the most part I”m feeling ok, but I can’t sleep much anymore. My hips ache if I lay on either side for too long, and my back has really been bothering me. This too shall pass, I’m sure.

Thanks for still following along with me even though I”m such a Debbie Downer lately. Love you all!

Anyway,

blue

I’m feeling mildly depressed.

Well, I suppose that’s an understatement considering that I’ve been unable to stop crying for more than ten minutes all day.

I don’t know what’s going on with me. I think part of my emotional breakdown is that I’m exhausted. I haven’t been sleeping very well (thanks to my beautiful belly, which 99% of the time I love, and 1% of the time I wish would shrink just for 8 hours so I could get some sleep) and I just feel like I’m walking around in a daze.  I’ve dealt with this before; I was on anti-depressants for years when I was younger, though I’ve been off them now since just before I met Tim in 2005.  I know how to recognize the signs that I’m getting “there” again, and I’m getting slightly worried that I’m headed down that road.

I don’t want to go down that road again. I don’t like that person.

On top of not sleeping, the stress of Tim not having a job is really getting to me. I look every day for jobs that he’s qualified for, and there just aren’t any jobs out there. He’s willing to take a withdrawal from the union if he can find a full-time job, but the jobs just aren’t opening up. And he’s 98 on the bench. With no work in sight, 98 is a pretty dim number.  Winter is coming, and winter is typically a slow time for sheet metal workers as it is. I just don’t know what we’re going to do.

So I’ve spent most of the day laying in bed, crying over…nothing? Everything? I don’t even know anymore. I’m so excited for this baby, for my sweet little boy, but I”m terrified that we’re just not going to be able to make ends meet.

And you’d think that Tim would, at the very least, help out around the house since he’s not working. I shouldn’t come home after working 8 hours to find the house a complete disaster, laundry not done, dishes in the sink. I don’t think I’m asking too much to ask him to just tidy up every day when Maddie’s napping. Our house isn’t very big, it doesn’t take long to put things in their place.

I just want things to be ok. I want to have a normal life, where bill collectors aren’t calling 20 times a day and my checking account isn’t overdrawn and my husband goes to work and we come home and make dinner and have a life.

Is that so much to ask?

Maybe, in this economy, it is. I don’t know.