blue

I’m feeling mildly depressed.

Well, I suppose that’s an understatement considering that I’ve been unable to stop crying for more than ten minutes all day.

I don’t know what’s going on with me. I think part of my emotional breakdown is that I’m exhausted. I haven’t been sleeping very well (thanks to my beautiful belly, which 99% of the time I love, and 1% of the time I wish would shrink just for 8 hours so I could get some sleep) and I just feel like I’m walking around in a daze.  I’ve dealt with this before; I was on anti-depressants for years when I was younger, though I’ve been off them now since just before I met Tim in 2005.  I know how to recognize the signs that I’m getting “there” again, and I’m getting slightly worried that I’m headed down that road.

I don’t want to go down that road again. I don’t like that person.

On top of not sleeping, the stress of Tim not having a job is really getting to me. I look every day for jobs that he’s qualified for, and there just aren’t any jobs out there. He’s willing to take a withdrawal from the union if he can find a full-time job, but the jobs just aren’t opening up. And he’s 98 on the bench. With no work in sight, 98 is a pretty dim number.  Winter is coming, and winter is typically a slow time for sheet metal workers as it is. I just don’t know what we’re going to do.

So I’ve spent most of the day laying in bed, crying over…nothing? Everything? I don’t even know anymore. I’m so excited for this baby, for my sweet little boy, but I”m terrified that we’re just not going to be able to make ends meet.

And you’d think that Tim would, at the very least, help out around the house since he’s not working. I shouldn’t come home after working 8 hours to find the house a complete disaster, laundry not done, dishes in the sink. I don’t think I’m asking too much to ask him to just tidy up every day when Maddie’s napping. Our house isn’t very big, it doesn’t take long to put things in their place.

I just want things to be ok. I want to have a normal life, where bill collectors aren’t calling 20 times a day and my checking account isn’t overdrawn and my husband goes to work and we come home and make dinner and have a life.

Is that so much to ask?

Maybe, in this economy, it is. I don’t know.

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3 thoughts on “blue

  1. I seriously could have written this post…DH is without a job as well and I come home after 9 hours and the dishes are still in the sink, the laundry is still not done, the house could be vacuumed, the bathroom needs to be cleaned…

    It has gotten to the point where I write a list and leave it for him, these are the things that need to be done. This is your job as of right now, to keep the house in order. Not to catch up on all the junk TV during the day and zoning out.

    I know it’s a blow to their ego and I know he’s worried – he freaks out a bit when he realizes the due date is inching closer & closer and we’re still surviving on my salary and his unemployment. But just because he’s bummed doesn’t give him a free pass for responsibility in life!

    I’ve noticed when the lists are left laying around, the things get done. He knows I am expecting them to be done. The “What did you do today?” question is easier to answer for him when he can show me a crossed off list and not squirm while I watch him making the butt dent on the couch bigger! haha!

  2. I’m really sorry to hear about your husband and the job situation. I hope he finds something soon. AH lost his job a couple of years ago and he too did absolutely nothing around the house during that time. WTH!? And we didn’t even have a kid to take care of then, he just played lots of video games :/

    I’ve been feeling pretty down lately myself. I’ve been really tired too which I am attributing to the heat (it’s been in the high 90’s here), the depression, and (hopefully) the fact that baby has decided that he is finally going to get growing! I’m only a week behind you and I’ve no bump to speak of. I’m a little jealous of yours 🙂

    Here’s hoping we both feel better soon!

  3. I’m sorry things are tough. Do what you need to do so you don’t sink into a hole. I’ve been there and it is scary when you start to get low again. Thinking of you.

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