26w4d

I’ve been a really bad blogger. I’m reading all your blogs (fingers crossed for all of you waiting on beta results, I’m hoping so hard for you!), I just haven’t been commenting because…well, the only real excuse I have is that I only have a few minutes each day lately to read blogs. So commenting kind of falls by the wayside (as does replying to your comments. But keep them coming, sometimes they’re what ges me through the day!)

Here are some “me” updates:

Job: Eh. It’s ok. I don’t think I’ll stay in this position long, meaning likely I’ll look for something else after maternity leave, if anything is open. If’s not that the job is BAD (and truly, ANYTHING is better than what I was doing/who I was working for) but it’s just not something I’m enjoying just yet. Maybe it will change, maybe it’s just because I’ve got so much on my mind that I can’t really get into a groove, or maybe it’s because I feel like I’m working in a morgue, I don’t know. Thing is, I’m a really social person. I like to talk to people, I like to know about people’s lives. And I think laughter gets you through the day. But in my new position, it’s so quiet you could hear a pin drop. People hardly even say good morning to each other! It’s very odd. I’m sure I’ll get used to it, and I’m lucky to even HAVE a job, so I’ll take what I can get.

Tim: We’re working on it. We fight a lot, I’m not going to deny it, and I have this problem where I keep throwing the “you almost had sex with someone else” issue in his face. I know that’s not fair, and I know if I’m going to get past it, I have to stop doing that. But obviously I’m not over it yet, so I don’t know. He still doesn’t have a job (and he applies for at least 4 or 5 a day, when they come up) and I’m just in major panic mode about the whole thing.

Maddie: Ohhh, my little girl. She’s starting dance lessons in just a week and a half and she is getting so big. She’s turned into quite the little manipulator, too. If I tell her no, she looks at me with those big blue eyes and says, “But Mommy…I love you!” Gah! Talk about killing me! Geez. She has to go back to the ENT next week for her follow up from surgery last year. It’s looking like she’ll need surgery AGAIN, to get new tubes at least, because both ears have perforations in them now becuse she had ear infections a few weeks ago; her tubes have stopped working. So we’ll see what the ENT says. I just hate the thought of her having to go under again. She’s been through enough already!

Pregnancy: It’s been a rough weekend. Saturday, I took a nap with Maddie and when I woke up, I felt this nagging pain in my lower right side. I figured it was just stretching, or the baby sitting funny, but after 6 hours, it still wasn’t gone. It brought me to tears more than once. I tried stretching, I tried laying on my other side, I tried a warm bath. Nothing was working. Finally I just propped myself up in bed, drank some water, and tried to get some sleep. But it still hurt, from my right side around to my back.  Is it possible to have contractions on just one side? Because that’s what it felt like. I was freaked out, to say the least. But when I woke up the next morning, all seemed fine. I was exhausted, but at least the pain seemed to be gone. Then last night, Tim and I volunteered at the State Fair through my job. Two hours of standing on my feet in 90* heat and humidity, then half an hour of walking around, and I was ready to pass out. Braxton Hicks all afternoon, and my feet were swelling. The minute I got home, I put my feet up and fell asleep.

Other than that, Miles is fine. He’s moving around like crazy, and I love every minute of it.

Crazy to think that in three months, I will be holding him in my arms.

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7 thoughts on “26w4d

  1. I’m sorry you’re not loving your job right now – hopefully it grows on you or you find something new.

    As for Tim, have you tried reading some of the books they have on getting past cheating? I remember one exercise I did with my ex (no – it didn’t work out for us but that doesn’t mean it can’t work out for everyone) where you just hold hands when watching TV or laying in bed together. Know that the touch doesn’t mean it’s going to go any further – you’re just slowly building that bond back up again. Then when holding hands feels OK, move to just cuddling every once in a while. Progress as you feel comfortable. There are a few books that really helped me get through it – even though it didn’t work out for us – it helped ME personally sort through my feelings, my emotions, my needs, my future needs. Fix you before moving onto helping Tim fix himself.

    Maddie – aw I cannot believe how quickly the babies grow – it’s amazing to watch our friends kids sprout right up and then cry when they show you their first loose tooth. EEK!

    Miles – I cannot wait to feel our baby move – when did you start feeling movement this time around?

    • The job will do for now. It’s not stressful, and with being pregnant, that’s a good thing!

      I’d love some book recommendations if you have them. To be honest, Tim and I have not been intimate since this all came to light. I just can’t bring myself to be with him like that yet. It’s not for his lack of trying — I just can’t do it.

      I felt him move for the first time around 13 weeks — just a few little pops — and then started feeling it more often around 16 weeks. At 19 weeks, my belly actually moved. It’s so exciting!

  2. It will take awhile before you will trust him again, as you know, but it also takes awhile before you stop throwing the “but you fucked up” zinger in his face. As much as you can know this doesn’t help and if anything this prolongs the healing, you need to get to point where it makes more sense in your head so you can file it away and move on. That doesn’t mean you get over it or anything, it just means you can move on from it. Try to understand the why’s of what lead him to that place….and understanding how little it had to do with you and how he loves you and more to do with his insequrities, fears, etc. This will start to allow you to separate your love and future from what he almost did and the past.

    That help?

    I know it sucks. I have been there. It does get easier. I am sending a big hug!!

  3. I hear you on work. I’m not super motivated these days and all my close friends have left the building for whatever reason. So about the fighting and the discomfort. Good luck I’m thinking about you.

  4. Books:

    I read

    Not “Just Friends”: Rebuilding Trust and Recovering Your Sanity After Infidelity by Shirley P. Glass and Jean Coppock Staeheli

    Infidelity: A Survival Guide by Don-David Lusterman

    Getting Past the Affair: A Program to Help You Cope, Heal, and Move On — Together or Apart by Douglas K. Snyder PhD, Donald H. Baucom PhD, and Kristina Coop Gordon PhD

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