Since my last post was such a downer, here are some pictures of my beautiful children to lighten the mood.
I am completely miserable in my marriage.
Most of you probably remember, back in June, when I found out that Tim had (basically) cheated on me. I’ve been able to forgive him for it, but it’s stuck with me and I can’t seem to get past it. And I don’t think I ever posted about it, but back in late October, I think it was, some other suspicious behavior occurred to make me think he was doing it again. I confronted him about it and he called me crazy, but I know I’m not crazy. I just caught him before it could go any further.
There is a lot of fighting in my house. A lot of arguing, yelling, and crying (on my part). Tim doesn’t want to contribute to the household in any way, or at least that’s what it feels like. He thinks that because he works all day, he can come home, lay on the couch and do nothing for the rest of the night. What he doesn’t realize is that I also work all day, taking care of two kids, one of whom needs my almost constant attention and the other of whom is acting out so badly that I am completely at the end of my rope. There’s no joy here, no laughter, no fun. We don’t kiss. We rarely even touch. If we go anywhere, we sit in silence, as if we have nothing to say to one another. A few weeks ago we went to a Christmas party at his friend’s house. I was so excited to go somewhere with him, to get out of the house, just US. And the whole time we were there, he barely said a word to me. He talked to his friends and left me sitting on the couch feeling sorry for myself. When he finally did sit down next to me, I reached over and touched the back of his neck and he leaned forward, batted my hand away, and gave me an annoyed look.
Last night, we got into it. I was trying to feed the baby, and he came upstairs with Maddie and they were jumping around, screaming, and being wild. I can’t relax when they’re doing that and it distracts Miles from eating, so I asked him to please go back downstairs and stop being so loud. He rolled his eyes at me and told Maddie, “This is the no-fun house, Maddie. Mommy’s no fun. We have to be quiet at all times.” And I lost it. I totally lost it. I went in the bedroom and slammed the door after telling him that he better be prepared for the fact that at this time next year, we’ll be divorced.
And instead of coming in the room and saying his sorry, or trying to talk to me, or wanting to work it out, he came in the room, grabbed a blanket and pillow and his work clothes for today, and went downstairs for the rest of the night.
Way to fight for this, Tim. Way to fight for me.
Miles is a really good eater. He’s a sleepy eater, but a good eater nonetheless. He will typically wake up every 2 – 3 hours to nurse during the day, and every 3 – 4 during the night. He tends to cluster feed before “bed time”, so between 6 and 9, and then he’ll usually sleep until about 1:30 or 2 and want to eat again. I don’t have to set an alarm to wake up to feed him or anything — he lets me know if he’s hungry.
Last night, he ate around 9:30. We fell asleep around 10, and when he woke up to eat again, I looked at the clock and it was..,5:30!!!!! My boobs were like rocks since they hadn’t been emptied all night! I fed him right away, then pumped the remaining milk and he took some of that too. Now he’s sleeping again like a growing baby should.
But of course, I’m feeling like an awful mommy for not waking him up in the night to eat. All the breastfeeding handouts from the hospital, and the few books I have, tell me that even at night, I should be waking him every 3 hours to eat (though 4 -5 hours at night is an ok stretch.) And he slept for 7 1/2 hours without getting up to eat!!! He’s having plenty of wet and poopy diapers, and I can tell that he’s gaining weight, so maybe I shouldn’t be so worried, but still! I can’t believe he slept all night! I know it’s probably just a one-time thing, and he’ll be back to his regular schedule again tonight, but again…ALL NIGHT! He’s only 2 weeks old!