Is it over?

Confession:

I am completely miserable in my marriage.

Most of you probably remember, back in June, when I found out that Tim had (basically) cheated on me. I’ve been able to forgive him for it, but it’s stuck with me and I can’t seem to get past it. And I don’t think I ever posted about it, but back in late October, I think it was, some other suspicious behavior occurred to make me think he was doing it again. I confronted him about it and he called me crazy, but I know I’m not crazy. I just caught him before it could go any further.

There is a lot of fighting in my house. A lot of arguing, yelling, and crying (on my part). Tim doesn’t want to contribute to the household in any way, or at least that’s what it feels like. He thinks that because he works all day, he can come home, lay on the couch and do nothing for the rest of the night. What he doesn’t realize is that I also work all day, taking care of two kids, one of whom needs my almost constant attention and the other of whom is acting out so badly that I am completely at the end of my rope.  There’s no joy here, no laughter, no fun. We don’t kiss. We rarely even touch. If we go anywhere, we sit in silence, as if we have nothing to say to one another. A few weeks ago we went to a Christmas party at his friend’s house. I was so excited to go somewhere with him, to get out of the house, just US. And the whole time we were there, he barely said a word to me.  He talked to his friends and left me sitting on the couch feeling sorry for myself. When he finally did sit down next to me, I reached over and touched the back of his neck and he leaned forward, batted my hand away, and gave me an annoyed look.

Last night, we got into it.  I was trying to feed the baby, and he came upstairs with Maddie and they were jumping around, screaming, and being wild. I can’t relax when they’re doing that and it distracts Miles from eating, so I asked him to please go back downstairs and stop being so loud. He rolled his eyes at me and told Maddie, “This is the no-fun house, Maddie. Mommy’s no fun. We have to be quiet at all times.” And I lost it. I totally lost it. I went in the bedroom and slammed the door after telling him that he better be prepared for the fact that at this time next year, we’ll be divorced.

And instead of coming in the room and saying his sorry, or trying to talk to me, or wanting to work it out, he came in the room, grabbed a blanket and pillow and his work clothes for today, and went downstairs for the rest of the night.

Way to fight for this, Tim. Way to fight for me.


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5 thoughts on “Is it over?

  1. I hadn’t read the other post about what happened before. I am SO sorry that you going through this at all, let alone on top of caring for a newborn. I’m thinking about you. If there is anything that I can do just let me know.

  2. So sorry to hear that things aren’t working out… More than anything right now you need the support of your partner…and to be fighting with that partner must be very difficult.

  3. Are you guys open to seeing a counselor? Do you talk to each other about what you feel is missing from your marriage? It sounds like there is some serious communication issues.

    • There are definitely communication issues. I try to talk to Tim about everything that I’m feeling (starting with the fact that I feel like he doesn’t love me anymore) and he just gets angry with me. Or, he’ll ask me what’s bothering me, I’ll tell him, and he’ll put me down and make me feel like I have no right to feel what I’m feeling. He never really has anything valuable to add to the discussion.

      I’m not sure if he’s open to seeing a counselor, seeing as he doesn’t like to talk in general. But it’s getting to that point. If he doesn’t change, if WE don’t change, then this isn’t going to last.

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