Eight weeks already?

Has it really already been eight weeks (Tuesday) since my baby boy came into this world? How does the time go by so quickly? He has already changed so much since he was born. Some days I find myself just staring at him and being so incredibly grateful that he’s finally here, my little miracle.

I went back to work on Wednesday, January 5th. It was definitely an adjustment. The night before, I got all his bottles ready for the next day, packed the diaper bag, got my pump all ready to go so I could pump at work, and we nestled into bed. Little guy ate, then slept from 9 until 4. He must have known we both had a big day coming up! I did really well with the whole “going back to work” thing until Maddie kissed me good bye and I kissed Miles good bye. Then the tears started welling up and I had to get out of there before I broke down.   Then, a couple hours into my day, I felt my milk let down. A look at the clock told me it was about time for Miles to eat, and that brought the tears again. He does great with the bottle, and he hasn’t had any nipple confusion at all, but I hated that I wasn’t there to give him what he needed. The day went by pretty quickly, luckily, and I was able to rush home and kiss his little face off, and get a full report from Maddie on how the day had gone. Now we’re into a routine, so things are good.

Pumping at work is an odd thing. My supply is great right now, and I’m able to get away with pumping just twice during the day. (If my supply starts to suffer, I’ll up it to three, but for now, this is working out.) I’m usually able to pump enough for the next day’s bottles, and most days I have a couple ounces extra that I’ve been able to freeze. It’s funny — I’ve kind of become competitive about it. Competing with myself, I guess! I love to see which boob will produce more in a pumping session, and I”m always proud at the end of the day when I see how much milk I’m able to bring home for my little guy. He’s doing such a great job nursing, and it shows! He’s almost 12 pounds already, which is just amazing to me. Maddie wasn’t 12 pounds until she was at LEAST 6 months, if then. She didn’t hit 20 pounds until she was over 2 years old. She got her Daddy’s genes, and Miles got mine! He’s got fat little legs and chubby cheeks and I am just so in love with him.

Big sister is so proud!



Happy New Year

Thank you to those who  commented on my post about my marriage. Tim’s not really into the whole counseling thing, and he is apparently completely unaware that we even have any problems (I don’t know what he could be thinking. Maybe in his world, constant fighting isn’t a sign of a problem) because when I told him that I was considering taking the kids and staying with my mom for awhile, he was genuinely shocked and kept asking, “Why? What’s wrong?” So perhaps therein lies the problem — he thinks we’re fine, I obviously do not.  My goal in the next few weeks is to really work on things with him. Work on not yelling around the kids, work on getting back to some semblance of a life with him. And if we can’t do that on our own, then I’ll consider going to counseling on my own. And if that doesn’t work? Then I guess I’ll reevaluate then.

2010 will be remembered for one good thing, though. The birth of my beautiful little boy. It was a long, hard road, but in the end, it was all worth it for this little guy. I don’t know how I ever lived without him.



Is it over?


I am completely miserable in my marriage.

Most of you probably remember, back in June, when I found out that Tim had (basically) cheated on me. I’ve been able to forgive him for it, but it’s stuck with me and I can’t seem to get past it. And I don’t think I ever posted about it, but back in late October, I think it was, some other suspicious behavior occurred to make me think he was doing it again. I confronted him about it and he called me crazy, but I know I’m not crazy. I just caught him before it could go any further.

There is a lot of fighting in my house. A lot of arguing, yelling, and crying (on my part). Tim doesn’t want to contribute to the household in any way, or at least that’s what it feels like. He thinks that because he works all day, he can come home, lay on the couch and do nothing for the rest of the night. What he doesn’t realize is that I also work all day, taking care of two kids, one of whom needs my almost constant attention and the other of whom is acting out so badly that I am completely at the end of my rope.  There’s no joy here, no laughter, no fun. We don’t kiss. We rarely even touch. If we go anywhere, we sit in silence, as if we have nothing to say to one another. A few weeks ago we went to a Christmas party at his friend’s house. I was so excited to go somewhere with him, to get out of the house, just US. And the whole time we were there, he barely said a word to me.  He talked to his friends and left me sitting on the couch feeling sorry for myself. When he finally did sit down next to me, I reached over and touched the back of his neck and he leaned forward, batted my hand away, and gave me an annoyed look.

Last night, we got into it.  I was trying to feed the baby, and he came upstairs with Maddie and they were jumping around, screaming, and being wild. I can’t relax when they’re doing that and it distracts Miles from eating, so I asked him to please go back downstairs and stop being so loud. He rolled his eyes at me and told Maddie, “This is the no-fun house, Maddie. Mommy’s no fun. We have to be quiet at all times.” And I lost it. I totally lost it. I went in the bedroom and slammed the door after telling him that he better be prepared for the fact that at this time next year, we’ll be divorced.

And instead of coming in the room and saying his sorry, or trying to talk to me, or wanting to work it out, he came in the room, grabbed a blanket and pillow and his work clothes for today, and went downstairs for the rest of the night.

Way to fight for this, Tim. Way to fight for me.

All night?!

Miles is a really good eater. He’s a sleepy eater, but a good eater nonetheless. He will typically wake up every 2 – 3 hours to nurse during the day, and every 3 – 4 during the night. He tends to cluster feed before “bed time”, so between 6 and 9, and then he’ll usually sleep until about 1:30 or 2 and want to eat again. I don’t have to set an alarm to wake up to feed him or anything — he lets me know if he’s hungry.

Last night, he ate around 9:30. We fell asleep around 10, and when he woke up to eat again, I looked at the clock and it was..,5:30!!!!! My boobs were like rocks since they hadn’t been emptied all night! I fed him right away, then pumped the remaining milk and he took some of that too. Now he’s sleeping again like a growing baby should.

But of course, I’m feeling like an awful mommy for not waking him up in the night to eat. All the breastfeeding handouts from the hospital, and the few books I have, tell me that even at night, I should be waking him every 3  hours to eat (though 4 -5 hours at night is an ok stretch.) And he slept for 7 1/2 hours without getting up to eat!!! He’s having plenty of wet and poopy diapers, and I can tell that he’s gaining weight, so maybe I shouldn’t be so worried, but still! I can’t believe he slept all night! I know it’s probably just a one-time thing, and he’ll be back to his regular schedule again tonight, but again…ALL NIGHT! He’s only 2 weeks old!